I feel like I have failed.
I have both learnt over time and come to the terms with the fact that I can get very sad and down when I write. I’m a very emotional person and I use those emotions to help me write. Sometimes it’s a great thing, however, more often than not (like right now) I think about the topics I write about too much, will get inside my own head and end up feeling like a failure.
I feel very overwhelmed at the moment – I’m trying to plan my dissertation which involves a lot of research into psychosis and childhood trauma. If you’ve ever written anything involving those two topics or anything similar it can be very tough mentally. I’m also trying to create a portfolio for my other module which comes in the form of a blog. You’d think it would be easy considering I’ve blogged now for almost 5 years, however it’s a completely different tone and style than I am used to and is taking a lot of energy out of me. Along with that portfolio I have a case study to complete in four weeks that I haven’t even thought about yet. I’m trying to apply for internships or post grad schemes for when I’ve finished uni however have been rejected from all but one of the ones I applied for over Christmas so feel like I’ve just wasted that time I spent looking when I could have been researching for my dissertation then. But I wanted to have an internship sorted by now so I wouldn’t have to worry. Finally, I feel like I’m forcing myself to upload onto this blog even though I’m struggling to come up with ideas for posts and don’t have the energy mentally to pretend that everything’s fine right now.
Over the past few years at Falmouth, our lecturers have warned us about how hard it is to make it as a writer. They also warned us about rejection and how much their own work got rejected when they started it. They have helped us prepare for these scenarios but now it’s getting too real and it’s putting a strain on me mentally. Throughout everything they’ve taught as well, I was never prepared for how I feel now, and I have no idea what to do. No one would ever tell you how shit it feels when you think you’ve failed yourself. The worst part is I feel like by failing myself I’m letting everyone down around me. Failure is a hard thing, I don’t think it ever gets easier, but I need to learn how to deal with it on my own first.
I don’t want to go into any more detail now, I just thought that you all deserved an explanation as to why things will be changing here on jessiecrescent. I am not going to stop blogging – however I will be taking a short break to focus on university and job applications for the future. I will still be drafting some blog post ideas but not post them as I have found that it has just added extra stress at the moment which I don’t need.
I love jessiecrescent and the space I have made here over the past few years. Thank you to all of my readers who have supported me, I feel like I am letting you down but know it’s the best thing for me right now.
See you soon x