Diary 005: Work in progress

You may have noticed, last week I didn’t put a blog post up. That completely goes against what I said a couple of weeks ago about how things were changing and I was going to be consistent from now on. But some things never work out the way you planned. I had one scheduled and ready to go but plans change, me and my boyfriend broke up and I couldn’t upload it.

Just before you click off thinking this is going to be a blog post all about how sad I am, it isn’t. This blog is a big part of my life and I feel like I need to share with you guys the reason I might be a little bit slack on the blogging side of things over the next few weeks.  I’m not going to go into detail about the break up as I’m not one to invade on other’s private lives and we are both hurting because of it. Thinking about it now, it was probably a very non-dramatic break up, that’s not to say it didn’t hurt and we’re both happy now because we aren’t, but I think it was the right thing to do, as much as it upsets me to say that, it’s for the best.

I’m now at the point where I want to pick myself up and move on from it and put as much focus as I can into jessiecrescent. Obviously a serious relationship isn’t something you can move on from quickly so this is a work in progress and I’m working on myself in a slightly different way now. It’s now been two weeks and coming out the other side I realise how I was as a person in the relationship – some things were good and some were bad. The good parts I will carry with me and the bad parts of myself I know I need to work on and I’ll get there, it just takes time. People break up all the time and that does not define a person, sometimes it makes them realise instantly who they really are and they can move on and up, other times it takes a little longer, for me it is the latter without a doubt. As with every relationship, there a good and bad memories and when you break up your mind tortures you with all the bad ones and pushes the good to the back. I’ve had to keep reminding myself that my mind does not control me and remembering that makes me think about the good times, and those I will treasure with me forever, the bad ones I’ve learnt are lessons, and I can’t change them now so there isn’t any point dwelling over them.

So for now I’m learning how to be alone, more specifically, how to enjoy being alone. This is hard for me after having spent so much of my summer with someone I loved deeply but I thought the best way to do this would be to split it up into different stages. The first is to learn that I am enough and from there I can learn to love myself as I know that I definitely do not right now. To love myself I need to learn about myself and figure out what I like. To get here I know that not every day will be plain sailing weather. I know that I’ll have bad days where I struggle to see the point, but I need to work through that. Since everything, I’ve spent a lot of time focussing on making my new room a nice space for me and I think creating a space you love is key when learning how to be alone, as that can be your safe space. And finally, I must keep reminding myself that this is an important time in my life and I must not rush learning to be alone.

There might be a few blog posts regarding this at a later date but I’m just rolling with it for now, and I want to thank each and every one of you for supporting jessiecrescent through everything.

Jess xx

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